Julia (7) 22.3.13

22nd March (7)

Two more Skype calls with Theresa in New Zealand and decisions made. Still no domain name that really works yet.

This is important as it is the introduction to the web page as a whole. We have though decided that it need to be uplifting rather than coming from a point where people may be unable to see beyond their loss.

Grieving is a stage we go through, but as to it being the portal to the website we have decided to think on.

So I ponder on:

living with loss; living with your loss

living through loss

living with morning

learning to live and lose

living, loving, losing

No end to love

Tides of life

Not sure if my working pace is a snail or an avoidant creature. I swing between trusting the process and myself, and doubting it.

There is a direct connection between our emotions, what we do, and how we do it and currently if I am honest, the small destructive, negative element between my partner and I is sapping my motivation.

For some reason I seem unable to cast off the effect of the lead weight at the moment, and so my motivation is stuck in distress and immobility.

As people we all can get “hooked” with friends and family in present time, to early similar experiences, and at times when they parallel each other, it can be virtually impossible to stay in current time and let it wash over us.

Currently my internal negativity and distress is constantly triggered by my partners negativity and inability to “be honest” with their actions.

This mimics experiences with family who could not take responsibility, or “be honest” about their actions, thus creating the distress I re experience.

I know that there will be a time when one finds the way through, but “separation” whatever that means, seems to be the only current way. So I detach to my own space. I have no desire to re build bridges and also don’t want to express my emotional distress as it is only then that they are able to comfort me.

I experience this as my needs not being met in a manner that I can manage or want.

Is this part of the problem?

When vulnerable it is hard to trust others not to make things worse.

Trusting others, is for many, a difficult thing to do, but we talk and talk and it  brings about greater comprehension on both sides.

We are able to make some sense of what is going on, re gain motivation and I move forward again.

Thank goodness!

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